The Legit Leadership Series: Episode 1
Have you ever been on the receiving end of insufferable workplace behavior?
What about on the giving end?
In this episode, we’ll explore a friend’s experience and the role leaders play in setting the tone for the organization’s culture, for better or worse. Having heard a variety of similar accounts from employees around the globe, I’d be curious if you, too, see yourself somewhere in these words.
I do believe there’s hope for change, though. After the article, check out 3 key exercises you can try to turn up the volume on your self-awareness and how you impact your team.
Do Us All a Favor and Check Yourself
I just got a call from a friend. His boss summoned him to the office only to lay him off rather unceremoniously. With another leadership team member, she mocked his ‘deer-caught-in-headlights’ reaction to the news before he had a chance to fully close the door on his way out.
A litany of incidents over the last year served as a precursor to this moment of humiliation: unwarranted negative feedback delivered in the presence of his entire team, offloading undesirable tasks onto his plate with makeshift deadlines, and a new intern abruptly hanging up on him because, well, his boss had normalized this behavior. I could hear his frustration on the other end of the phone. His story jolted my heart. It made me mad. And, it reminded me why I started this business in the first place.
In this scenario, we could undoubtedly unpack a catalog of HR and legal implications around employee rights. We could talk about how employees need to stand up for themselves, citing articles, like ‘A Guide to Managing Up,’ ‘10 Signs You’re Working for a Toxic Boss’, or ‘How to Handle a Manager Who Doesn’t Listen’.
But that’s not what got me. The punch in the gut was this deep layer of empathy – both for the employee on the receiving end of this treatment and, quite frankly, for the boss herself.
‘I’m so sorry this happened. I know all too well how you must feel right now,’ I said.
While I’m incredibly grateful for my share of amazing bosses over the years, I still occasionally wake up reeling from a dream where one of the bad ones is bending my words and misinterpreting my intentions. No matter what I try, I can’t seem to find my voice. I know this experience isn’t an anomaly. Throughout my 10 plus years in leadership and organizational culture strategy, I’ve interviewed thousands of employees around the world who confide in me during focus groups and one-on-one conversations to share similar war stories about their own workplace hell.
I continued, ‘I just wish that people in leadership positions knew how deep these scars cut, how that trauma stays with people for a while. Or, in some cases, forever’.
‘That’s a waste of time,’ my friend replied. ‘What’s the point in giving tips to people who’ve got no sense of self-awareness and don’t use their influence for good? They just keep doing the same thing over again to different employees. It’s a vicious cycle.’
I get it. In my line of work, the words of Spider-Man’s Uncle Ben – ‘with great power comes great responsibility’ – are really tested. Leaders set the tone for your culture, which then has a ripple effect on every layer of the organization, and ultimately your clients. I’ll be the first to point out that it’s the senior leadership team’s role to intentionally articulate acceptable and unacceptable behaviors in the workplace, and I spend much of my time helping these executives strategize how to make this new culture a reality.
At the same time, my extensive deep dives into client organizations has also shed light on the inescapable truth that bosses are frequently pushed into people management roles without proper readiness training and guidance on the fundamentals of leadership. They’re set up for failure, thrown into the mix without clear expectations and imperative techniques to support delegating tasks, giving constructive feedback, recognizing and resolving conflict, and running effective meetings. One of the biggest components of my leadership development and coaching programs is helping to bridge these interdependent gaps: the gap between people’s own perception of their leadership and the employees’ reality, the gap between one’s intentions and impact, and the often tremendous gap between technical expertise and leadership skills.
While it would be naive to suggest every boss is destined for greatness, I’d like to challenge the futility of examining what sits at the root of bad behavior. So, here’s a message to those of you out there drifting somewhere on the ‘mean boss’ spectrum. Those of you who’ve recently had an encounter with a direct report where your communication wires were crossed, or you felt your jaw clench and your pulse racing. Where you felt in your heart that the situation brought out the worst in you.
Yes, I’m talking to you. Your mission, should you choose to accept it, is to grab a pen and some paper and engage in three essential introspective exercises I’ve crafted just for you.
As you debate whether or not you want to take the time to self-reflect, keep in mind the formidable words of Ice Cube: ‘You better check yo self before you wreck yo self’. Or, in this case, I’d say before you wreck yourself, your team, your client relationships, and your organization’s culture.
exercise 1
LOOK INSIDE: Check your intentions.
On page 1, draw a horizontal line across the middle of the page. At the top of the page, write: What are my intentions? Note at least three bullets that answer this question.
What are your intentions when you find yourself in conflict with a direct report or when you hear yourself talking over them? Are you trying to help them but they just won’t listen? Are you trying to assert dominance, put them in their place, or show them who’s boss? Are you trying to have the last word and set the record straight? Are you trying to make them feel bad about something they did or didn’t do?
In the middle of the page, write: How do my intentions make me feel? Note any thoughts, emotions, and physiological responses you experience when engaging in these situations with your employees.
exercise 2
LOOK OUTSIDE: Engage in empathy.
On page 2, draw four boxes and label each one separately: Say, Do, Think, Feel. Put yourself in the shoes of the person on the receiving end of your treatment. In each box, write at least one thing that may be true from that person’s perspective as they interact with you at your worst.
What might they say when this is all going down, how might they react, what might be some thoughts going on in their mind, and how might you make them feel?
exercise 3
LOOK AROUND: Survey your resources.
On page 3, draw a line down the middle. In the left column, write: Leaders I Admire and list any leaders you hold in high regard, whether you know them personally or not, and why you find them admirable. Include moments when and why a leader made you feel empowered, productive, and confident.
In the right column, write: My Support Network and list at least three people you can reach to for guidance. Think of anyone in your extended community who can help light your way as you push yourself to make a positive shift in your leadership style and capabilities. (*Hint: I’m here to help – you can list me as one of those people).
Lastly, what’s one actionable step you can take toward being a better, supportive leader? Write that step on the bottom of page 3 and commit to getting it done tomorrow.
